Best of: Lies I Was Told About Babies

10.  Even with fifteen kids, it's possible to retain your sense of self. - False. My entire existence can be summed up by just one screaming three month old.

9.    A baby is simply a happy addition to the family. - See lie #10.  A baby thinks it is the center of the universe, YOU are a happy and necessary addition to your baby's life.

8.   Being a stay at home mom is easier than going back to work. - If I had a job (other than mommy hood) I'd have an excuse for not getting the dishes done or being too tired to walk the dog. As a stay at home mom your job doesn't end at five o'clock.  There are no scheduled coffee breaks, only the sacred "nap time" where you feel guilty sitting and watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when there's a mountain of laundry whispering (okay screaming) your name.

7.   You can get plenty of sleep, just nap when the baby naps. - I've heard of this mythical nap time where your infant goes down for two hours and all is quiet.  Not only does my child fight sleep with a vengeance  but even when she does finally pass out from exhaustion, there's work to be done, laundry to be cleaned, hair to be washed or more realistic...mommy needs a minute.  Those precious moments when the house is filled only with soft snores are like gold in my home.  

6.  Sleeping babies are so adorable you'll find yourself sitting and staring at them for hours! - Yes, you will.  But not because of how beautiful they look (of course they do).  You're checking to make sure she's breathing.  With SIDS being a hot topic these days, I find that I obsessively check on my adorable sleeping baby to make sure her blanket isn't near her face, that she hasn't rolled onto her tummy, that she's breathing, that she can be woken up and she hasn't fallen into a coma, that her face hasn't turned down into the mattress...so much for doing the dishes.

5.   You'll be so in love you won't be able to put her down. - If my daughter had her way, I would never let her out of my arms.  What no one tells you is that the screaming back aches and the necessity of two hands will have you begging someone else to hold her...just for a minute.

4.   Family and friends will be there to help! - As wonderful as they are for trying, most help becomes a hindrance   Between trying to be a good hostess, the constant parenting advice and the fact that the baby usually just wants it's mama, you'll often have too many cooks in the kitchen.  

3.   Everyone loves babies! - My bank didn't seem too enthused about her when she cried for the entire hour we were there.  Nor did the other  patrons at the restaurant when she screamed during dinner.  People love quiet babies.  

2.   Breastfeeding is so much easier than buying formula and making bottles. - Suddenly my biggest enemy has become my breasts.  Got Milk?  The slogan can haunt you.  Am I producing enough?  Do I need to "pump and dump" after that glass of wine?  Wasting that much precious breast milk almost makes you want to say no to alcohol...almost.  And no matter how much milk you have, your baby will always want more.  She grows and grows every day.  I love the health benefits and saving money but what my raw nipples wouldn't give for a keg of breast milk in the kitchen and a bottle to put it in. 

1.   Babies smell like rainbows. - They don't.  They smell like poop...and feet...and sour milk.  Sure toss them in the bath and lather them up with lotion and they smell like heaven.  Give it ten minutes.  The fart, they drool, they slobber milk down their pretty little faces and hide it deep in the wrinkles of their neck...